October 14, 2019
by Annie Kaffen
ONE DAY NOT so long ago a friend who I used to road-trip with for work told me about her love of the Oregon coast. She said it’s where she goes when she needs to get away. She told me she likes to “go out,” referring not to her affinity for night life but to the coast and to the thrill of being on the edge of a continent.
After only a brief pause I responded that when I need to get away, “I go in.” In the moment I wasn’t sure exactly what I meant, but I knew that “in” felt truer for me than “out.”
I’ve always known this about myself. I’m drawn to the centers of things, things that are grounded, and ground that is sturdy. Like a deep conversation with a long-time friend or reading a book just one more time, I enjoy being in the familiar or discovering something new in what’s already been. Edges make me nervous, as if I am unmoored.
Here in Oregon, my home since 2001, I’ve spent appreciable time in 34 of its 36 counties. Despite miles of stunning coastline, I’m always drawn “in.” The expanse of Summer Lake (which is frequently too dry to be a lake at all) convinces me that a strong foundation lasts. The bends of the North Umpqua River (where, on the inner turn, the water momentarily slows) remind me to pause and look back at where I came from before charging ahead into whatever comes next. Every turn through the Painted Hills brings a different perspective and light (literally), which makes me feel as though I’m simultaneously moving into and emerging from insight.
Going “in” inspires me to behold what lies in the heart. I tend to seek out answers, knowledge, and wisdom in what has been, as opposed to what could be. Going “in” challenges me to be humble in the face of time. I realize this isn’t an absolute. “In” doesn’t negate “out.” Expansion and contraction are what keep us alive after all. But where my friend might embrace a visionary growing edge, I lean into well-trodden earth.
Annie Kaffen is University of Portland’s associate director of grants.
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